He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
