1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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