A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
