Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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