I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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