am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
