I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
