soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
