Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
