**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
