i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
