I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
