also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
