I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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