It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
