just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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