If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize