Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
