So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
