i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
we're making bets on your personal life
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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