The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
