there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
