Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
