I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
