Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
