It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
