Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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