Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
