My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
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