My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize