You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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