Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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