Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
