Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
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