her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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