I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
