the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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