You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
