I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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