i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize