she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Naked. naked and bneed help.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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