So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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