wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Randomize
