Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
