Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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