1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
