Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
