i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
