no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
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