the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
My nipple is on Facebook.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
