you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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