he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
