Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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