So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize