Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
