She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
