i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
