I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
