Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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