I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
