I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
