Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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