At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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